Thursday, June 12, 2008

I'm sad today

Today I wake up as I do every morning wondering if today will be the day. I wake up every morning at 2:15 a.m, 3:33 a.m (make a wish) and lay there for another 30 mins. wondering what will happen today. I know I'll spend an hour and a half getting ready for work, and thoughts will flow through my head. Thoughts about will today be the day, will I have a good day and what can I do to make it the best day. I get into my car drive to work and most days I'm happy to be alive and blessed to have a great job and I know that I will not think about this turmoil if I just keep busy. However, today is a different day. My heart hurts, a hurt like I have never felt before. I feel the pain in my throat. Most days I just go through the motions, day after day after day. On my way home every single night I am very angry and I don't understand WHY NO ONE CALLED TODAY! WHY WHY WHY? What have I done? Why have we been dealt card after card after card. Five years of marriage we have done nothing but fight through life. Why can one person have everything perfect, but others have to climb a huge mountain every single minute. It's not fair. As I try to not "lose the faith" it's very hard to keep that positive attitude. Today I am sad and for once I want the world to know that we are human and we feel pain and today I AM VERY SAD.



Ann said...

I could encourage you and tell you it will all work out (I truly believe you will be matched before Sept. 1) and to keep the faith but instead I am going to agree with you. Life isn't fair. And it isn't fair that it isn't fair!!!

Even tho I don't really know you I care about you and just want you to know I'm sad you're sad. You somehow encompass the hopes, dreams and fears of PAPs so well.

Know many others care too . . .
Blessings, Ann

Hank said...

...right there with ya, holding your hand, fighting to climb to the top of that mountain. Your words speak perfectly. I love you!

Anonymous said...

Oh how I wish I could make all the heartache you and Hen have gone through and are going through just vanish!

Many are praying for you both and I have faith that BB will be with you soon.


Anonymous said...

It is ok to be sad and yell and scream and be angry. We arent expected not to feel emotions. You need to get those feelings out. We are sad too and as parents the most difficult thing for us is not being able to make this pain go away. We would do anything to make it easier. We will continue the fight and we are always here for you no matter how bad you are feeling. This is a battle that will be won and Baby Belz will be worth the wait. Life isnt fair but we just keep going. We love you so much and just wish we could give you a big hug until the hurt goes away. Mom and Dad

Destiny said...

I can't even begin to understand the pain and hurt that you feel. All I know is that I love you. Your are my family, and even though we are far apart, I am here for you. It's ok not to be strong once in a while, and it's ok to be completely fine one minute and crying the next. We are human and it's what we do. It's not fair and it completely sucks, and I, probably along with anyone who knows you and Hank, would do anything to make it go away. I love you so much cousin.

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
--Nelson Mandela

I love you,

J and J said...

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Liz said...

I'm sorry Tricia.

My heart aches for you and Hank-- I know that child is out there-- waiting for your love. I am keeping you two in my thoughts.

Liz Fels

Anonymous said...


I hope you know how many people you have pulling for you and Hank. I was speaking with another Holt PAP today and the conversation turned to how we can't wait to see you post your referral. You two have touched so many...and we are all praying for you.


Thomas & Cathy said...

Hank & Tricia-
Cathy and I think of you every day. You are in our prayers every day. We still believe this will work out for you. We know it is so hard for you but believe your path is in Vietnam with Holt. We will say a special prayer for you tonight. Many Blessings, Thomas & Cathy

StaceynCorey said...

Oh, I can only imagine how hard this wait has been. You'll get over that mountain and on the other side will be a beautiful child to hold in your arms forever. I know how hard some days can be and how you feel like you're just going through the paces of life. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Anne said...


I have been there (where you are emotionally!)... and it is SO hard, I know. Hank probably told you about the conversation we had this week. When our travel got delayed, there were days when these words were mine!

As I type this, Nicholas is eating breakfast and dancing to the music on your website. Before you know it, you will be experiencing precious moments like this with Baby Belz, and every struggle, every step that seemed to take every ounce of energy you could muster to even take along the way will have been SO worth it.

Anne (Holt)